Movie Review - Ninja Turtles: T-erribly M-ishandled N-ew-franchise T-ribulations...

"It's froth," declares Camera Man Vern (Will Arnett) to determined-to-be-a-proper-news-reporter April O'Neil (Megan Fox - yes, just allow yourself to dwell upon the irony of that casting for a brief moment), handing her a cup of coffee, trying to console her that her attempts to report the mystery of a new vigilante have failed and she's covering aerobics instead.  "People like froth", he continues.  If you wanted to find one statement that sums up the attitude of the makers of this film to this new take on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, then that seems apt.  For this film barely makes a shrug in its attempt to establish a new take on the character's background story, and probably just as little effort to tell a compelling story that isn't predictable, given little-to-no foundation by a poor script.  It's just a superficial action-blockbuster that doesn't attempt to make the most of the source material's potential.

On the one hand you could argue that Ninja Turtles is a franchise that doesn't really need to be approached with any sort of seriousness - it was, after all, created 30 years ago as something of a joke, a parody of tropes in Marvel comics of the time (Ninjas, Mutants, parallel dimensions, and super-power creating, chemical related accidents).  However, this idea moved form a cult comic to being embraced by not one but three generations of kids.  I was there when they first broke in the UK, circa late '80's/1990, and like many kids I was swept along, clamouring after that action figures and video games.  And now, thanks to a contemporary CGI cartoon by Nickleodeon, my 7 year old son is a fan.  Despite the silliness of the concept it is easy to see why this team of anthromorphic-amphibians keep getting rediscovered by successive generations - they are a set of strong, identifiable and relatable characters, underpinned by a family dynamic that people can identify with.  Add in memorable villains like Shredder and the Krang, and you've got the basis of a great franchise.

You can add your own jokes about which is the more realistic looking creation to this picture, they're too obvious for me...

But the makers of this film don't seem to realise the potential they have at their hands - perhaps unsurprisingly, seeing as this film comes from the production company of Michael Bay, who has similarly wasted the potential of the Transformers epic back-story again, and again, and again.  Here they've put a new spin on it, which puts April O'Neil surprisingly close to their origin; although the makers of this new take are within their rights to put their own spin on the Turtle's origins, it is a pretty ham-fisted attempt.  Everything is spelt out completely un-profound ways ('they like pizza because they were fed pizza before they were mutants!!1!'), to the extent that it makes you think 'really??'

The film's plot has the same problem; not only is it entirely predictable, but it still attempts to spell everything out, just in case.  The set up sees New York threatened by a criminal organisation called 'The Foot Clan'.  Apparently the Police are powerless to do anything about them (really?), so when the company of Eric Sachs (William Fichtner) steps up to help, you don't have to be a genius to see where THAT is going.  This is coupled with a script that, again, spells things out to the point of becoming mind-numbing ("here is what I am going to do; this is what will happen when I do that thing I am about to do.  I am now doing that thing, so that other thing will happen because of it."  That's not an exact lift from the script, but I'm sure you get the idea).  However you'd be forgiven for thinking that the presence of Arnett and Fichtner would at least give some scenes a lift, but sadly their characters are so one note that even they can't lift the proceedings, despite their efforts.  And as for Megan Fox, well unfortunately this film isn't going to do a lot to convince cynics she's little more than a pretty face when it comes to acting...

Like the Turtles, villain Shredder has had his design 'upgraded', but perhaps unnecessarily so...

But, having said that, no one is going to go see this film for those actors (well, hardly anyone, though they do have their fans!); it's the Turtles themselves that are the main draw.  On the one hand, possibly the film's only saving grace is that the characterisation that makes the Turtles what they are is, for the most part, present.  The broad personalities that define each one are carried over from their previous incarnations, and it is from their brotherly dynamics that most of the (admittedly few) genuine laughs are drawn.  However, despite impressive CGI work the sees them seamlessly integrated with real actors, I personally found the new designs (with nostrils!) to be fairly distracting (each time I see the scene, included in the trailer, where Mikey 'unmasks' himself to April, my mind just cries out 'Shrek!!!').  Having said that, you can't fault the execution of the CGI in a couple of action scenes, especially the martial arts based ones.  I saw the film in 3D, and actually found that a hindrance, as it made some of the faster-paced action scenes a bit of an indistinct blur.  IMAX might be better, but if you find yourself having to take the kids to see it this half-term, 2D would be my recommendation.

Ultimately this new Turtles movie was going to have an up-hill struggle to prove itself, coming alongside a brilliant TV show which I'd argue is the best take on the characters so far (I watch it with my son, and we both enjoy it!) - there are great laughs, genuine surprises and some surprisingly emotionally affecting story points in almost each episode.  These are the things that are by and large absent from this new movie.  Given thatthe film has been a success at the Box Office elsewhere around the world, a sequel is guaranteed; hopefully they'll build on the foundation of the Turtle's and their personalities and family dynamics - and put considerably more effort in to the script and plot...

'SHREK??!?!?'